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My life - a question

I am a fairly intelligent woman. I am smart and capable and a good person. So why is it that I seem to be distinctly unsuited for supporting myself through gainful employment? I feel like such a failure some days.


Children are

so frustrating. He has been crying and whining all day, and he won't stop. He's not usually like that, but it's driving me crazy. I love him beyond anything else in my life, but there is never a break. It never ends. He keeps slipping on this one spot on the floor and he still keeps running to this area, even though he has slipped there like three times. Now he's making a mess after we just cleaned. It's so frustrating. He said he loved me the other day and that was kind of incredible, because it was the first time he's said it. He has learning delays so it's even more frustrating. He's gonna wind up spending half the day in time out today. It's just one of those kind of days.

Almost 2 years

have passed since I last wrote anything. So much has happened. I'm a transplanted southerner now, living up north in the heart of the yanks. I'm raising a two year old with my current partner and I am reading Robin Hobb right now and eating a bowl of strawberry shredded wheat things. So you're all caught up. No need to go into the Major Depressive Episode I fell into after the breakup. I am in a much better place right now and I am going to start writing here again.

Finished the paper

I fucking finished the heck out of that Elizabeth Barrett Browning paper!! Heck yes I did. Now I only need to do one more assignment to be completely caught up

Weird Dream

Alright, here we go. Gotta put this one down.

So, I was driving a friend to the highschool. I had to make a u-turn and it was a narrow intersection. I was too far out in the other lane in a big ol van. Some old lady ran right into me. She caused a big ol pile up and she died. I was arrested and the p.o. was talking to me as she was taking me into the station. Very weird.


There was an insidious evil trapped in the basement of this old church. It's poison corrupted the very stones of the church so that eventually the church was abandoned. Finally the evil found a flaw in its protections and escaped into the river.
She's not worth all this heartache, I just forgot for a minute, that's all


No one sees me, no one can
I am cursed, and I shall walk alone.
The hurt isn't worth it,
this pain is not pleasureful,
and I am shutting down whatever
it was that allowed such horrors.
Betrayed on all sides,
I wished for my own downfall. 

Now I just need to learn
to breathe alone and never
let myself think it might
work out.

Friday 15

Happy Friday everybody!!
How is everyone on this fine October morn?
Good, great! Guess I will get started then

  1. I haven't turned in, actually I haven't written yet, a paper for one of my classes
  2. The gf and I are tragically broken up, and I am being the strong one
  3. I haven't worked in over a year so I don't have any employment references to use when I graduate
  4. I need to seek out some sort of part-time employment anyway, to cover my ass
  5. Today is cleaning day, yay
  6. The cats have fleas
  7. I need to get to writing, my book has gotten so behind
  8. Nothing much has really been going on
  9. I've been sort of down, so I have been sleeping a great deal
  10. I finished catching up on the past seasons of Dexter, what a cool show that is
  11. I still miss True Blood though
  12. I am a facebook addict and it has been about two hours since I took steps to separate fully from my addiction
  13. Today, I am doing laundry, lots of it
  14. Being with the gf gave me the sense of forward momentum, like I was going somewhere, like there was a future that I was headed towards
  15. Now I just feel sort of empty again

Morning 15

So I dunno if anyone reads this anymore, but I know I should start writing in it again, as that is the best way to get people to read your frackin livejournal, right? So I'm gonna start trying to remember to at least do a 15 minute/item update about what's going on in my crazy head, at least every day or so. I need to keep track of my depressive moods and take stock of where I am anyways. I am off to a great start too, I only have 10 minutes to get in 15 worth of info, 7 since I have been rambling, so off we go. I like lists, so that's what I'm doing:

  1. Dreams: involved going to a Christian church camp and feeling very accepted, but also left out. They didn't know I was gay. Eeep.
  2. Drinking way too much Mello Yello, makes my tummy hurt.
  3. Amanda and I are broken up :( again :(:(
  4. Currently, I am obsessed with the show Dexter, on Showtime. I'm in the middle of the third season, and wow is it cool
  5. Breakfast: 3 pieces of toast with blackberry jam, and one without (used it all up) and about 4 mello yellos
  6. That's all I can think of right now, a bit preoccupied, gotta go to class then take a test eep
  7. I did promise seven so I will throw this one in, maybe I will finish the 15 later today